Creativity, Parenting, Sexual Abuse, Writing

An Open Letter To My Abuser

Dear Mr. Williams,

Hey Jeffery, 

Jeff,

Today I was told you died on December 10th, 2020.

Not much point in writing this to you now, but I had to get it out.

I had to get out all these feelings of relief, worry, and wondering.

I am afraid to tell you how much I let you keep taking from me. Even after your imprisonment,  then after your release, and all the way up to today, when I learned, you are no more.

It’s embarrassing to admit but it’s true.

 

My childhood innocence is not all you stole.

You took moments of my marriage

You took pieces of my parenthood

And I am pretty sure you’re the reason I see the world through a Freudian lens.

 

It was always a little bit here and a little bit there.

It wasn’t until I got the call today that I finally noticed all the things you took over the years.

 

Nothing in my life has changed from yesterday but everything in my soul has.

I am lighter now, whole again.

 

I am not mad at you, not anymore.

I haven’t been mad for twenty years.

I am writing this to you because it’s finally over.

Over.      Done.

I don’t have to wonder if you will hurt someone else.

I don’t have to wonder about maybe running into you.

 

The last thoughts I allowed myself to give you are these four:

Sorrow and compassion.

Hope and forgiveness.

Sorrow for the devastatingly lawless choices you made regarding me.

Compassion for the future of your soul.

Hope that you found something in this life that called to you lounder than your need to prey on little girls.

I might be buyest but I hope that something was Jesus Christ.

Lastly forgiveness.

I want you to know that…

I forgive you.

 

– Emily.

 

The Featured Image is a Fine Art  Photoshop Creation I did after writing this letter. It was my way of dumping all my feelings out, leaving them to forever reside in the image and no longer in my mind. It worked wonders!

I find that art and creating things help me feel what I need, process it and most uniquely the creation allows me to leave it all there and walk away bearing none of the toxic tension.

 

May 6, 2021 by
Motherhood

When I slowed down in 2019

Reflecting on 2019 these 6 little people of ours (Matt & I) have grown not only in stature but in creativity and in wisdom, both worldly and Godly and in common sense just to name a few.

This would not have happened to the degree it has if it wasn’t for other women farther along the journey of motherhood who told me to slow down, who’s comments and nudges reminded me that I only have 18 summers with each of my kids and even that is a gift.

So like a good student I slowed down.
Which if you know me is torture.

But here is what happened when I accepted the season of life I am in.

All (well most) my “good intentions” for my children and parenting had room to breath…and with that…air to flourish.

Resulting in a year of priceless memories and moments.

I hope to repeat this in 2020 and every year until all 6 of my 18 summers are up.

Now hear me:
This doesn’t mean I don’t pursue my dreams,
This doesn’t mean I don’t set goals for myself,
This doesn’t mean I don’t practice small disciplines that will one day in the distant future lead to big things.

It simply means that the amount of energy I am putting into those things are in healthy balance with my season.

So to my global sisterhood of mothers take in these wise and beautiful words from my dear friend Jodi.

”Drink in that sparkling elixir of effervescent giggles, heart-melting smiles, and I-need-you-now cries. You are here, but you won’t be here long.”

(You can read her full blog here.)

Hello 2020!

🥰

December 31, 2019 by